On se console toujours...

Translation of title, sort of, kind of: One's sorrows are always soothed... (le Petite Prince chapter 26)

I am proud of myself and my healing process. I can't say I haven't cried. I can't say I haven't been in pain, and angry and devastaded... but it is in one's power to handle one's emotions and find peace and light. This is not the end, but the beginning of many things: a new step in our relationship, a new open door in my love life and another oportunity to know what to compare my Bashert against when G-d finally places him in my path.

I have decided to cleanse after all these negative emotions. I have decided to fast in order to cleanse and go on to a new stage.

I am filled with love, filled with peace and humbled at G-d's grace.

One more day to Shavuot!

Le Chaim!

What do you do?

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry???

I knew I wasn't crazy

Dating. Sigh.

So he-who-rocks-my-world now wants out. He's finally here, after all the waiting and now he wants out. I care about you a lot. You are adorable. You are so pretty. I want to still hang out with you, I hope you want to. But I am entering a new level in my rabbinical life and you don't fit in it (these weren't his exact words but close). So there it is. I am not good enough to be a Rabanit and I am too far away for him to even make a sacrifice. Too hard, too complicated. In a nutshell, there is no love. Caring, yes, but no love. It's done, finito. I'll have to start dating again.

I'm down. I'm sad. I'm angry.

But sometimes G-d's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Sigh Sigh Sigh, teardrop teardrop.

2 to go!!!

So, 2 more days to go and I'll see he-who-rocks-my-world. I really really wish this one works out. I'm at a stage where I am so skeptical about relationships... but I'm not loosing my faith.

Once I get over this period of waiting and mind-blankness because I can only think and internally debate about my love life, I will come back to write about more serious stuff. Right now I'm on cloud 9 and I wanna stay there a little while.

Shabbat Shalom!

After the chill pill

So, after all the insecurities arose and I sounded like a lunatic, everything is back to normal. He´s there, as always... loving and trustworthy :o) and I´ve got my tail between my legs.

So, a new dilemma. Making my life worth while. Will write a post about this later on.

Arrrrghhhhhhh!!!!

So, here´s the debate? Am I stupidly paranoid or too accurate at predictions??? How many relationships have I been in? Plenty. How many frogs have I dated? Waaaaay too many. He-who-rocks-my-world-and-is-coming-soon has not yet let me down ever. If he says he´ll call, he calls. He talks about the future to a certain level and has never ever made me doubt he´s interested. Never... until my head was stimulated with crap from an outer source. The week after we met he had a trip... work related. We had only known each other for a week, which means there was no sort of commitment at all, yet I was never expecting to see that picture on the organization´s website. THAT picture showed him with a cute little blonde... they looked cuddly, and flirtatious.

So, I stumble upon this picture and did not say anything. Why would I? There´s nothing to talk, this happened before we really got together. But, well, the way life spins, Friday afternoon I stumbled upon the pic. Then we had our typical shabbat shalom talk (and I never mentioned the pic nor the trip) and that was it. No news during the wkend and no news today. He appears online yet has said nothing. "why don´t you say hi first?" Most of you would say, instead of eating your head up and writing crap in this blog ... well, I need him to show me he cares. I´m a girly girl, a needy girl. True love doesn´t have to be pushed to talk.

Breathe in, breathe out... call a shrink cause you´re sounding like an imbalanced maniac. G-d is out there figuring this out and will bring me my bashert to my door whenever it is time.

Dawn

As the weather changes, the sun is coming up earlier and I have the time to enjoy it on my drive to my Martial Arts class. The beauty of the world right before it wakes up fascinates me.

After a fun drunken night

Last night I went out with my girl-friends, got a tad bit tipsy and came home and wrote this email to he-who-rocks-my-world:


after a fun drunken night i concluded:

1- I missed you at dinner
2- Fire burns your skin
3- My roommate looks very cute in polka dots
4- I have no idea if you like indian food
5- I love indian food, the spicier the better
6- I would love to have dinner with you in the new indian resturant
7- Jewish communites in (a country I will not mention in this blog for anonimity purposes)need a new leader to remind them what being jewish is all about
8- diet coke does wonders to un-drunk yourself (i think)
9-I miss you
10- I am a sucker for men of faith in superman shirts, and they are very scarce
11- Girls with fake boobs will shockingly go the extra mile to show them off (this story i´ll tell you later)
12- Computers are the 8th wonder of the world
13- I LOVE my bed
14- It´s time to go to bed
15- I love watching the ships from my window
16- I can´t spell and much less type when I´m drunk

Last km of the marathon

You know that feeling when you're running a marathon, or a 10k or taking a strong spinning class or whatever it is that takes a lot of time and effort....well yes, that feeling when there are only 5 minutes or less to go and you get hyper-excited and sprint across the finish line?!!?!? Ok, well, I'm there, only this is a 3 and a half month marathon waiting for he-who-rocks-my-world to come visit. I'm sorry, but skype, msnger, email and the phone just don't cut it when you are trying to fall in love with somebody.

But yeai!!! Only some more days for him to arrive... but of course, now that the date is close I can't help but dramatize inside my head cause that's how fast he'll be gone again. What the heck am I doing???

I thought I was single because I was picky. Because Mr. Right was under hiding. But now I found the best of my 2 worlds. My 2 worlds??? Yep... the religious and law abiding world my dad created for us and the open-minded free loving world my mommy taught me to live.

Why do we (women) go soooo far ahead in relationships??? I guess it is healthy in a way, because if we don't see a future with the person we're dating, then we should not date them at all. But here I am. Waiting. An then what? A great month and then he's off to school again? Who can deal with that?

Exciting, yet so sad. Relationshipwise I always keep a mind open. I only need 1 person in the world to fall in love with and to find him I will have to scan some frogs, but I don't want more frogs. I don't want him to be a frog. I want my prince. A jewish prince for this Jewish-not-so-Princess. Sigh Sigh Sigh.

This is what I'm sayin'!!!

Yes. I'm Jewish... but quite a bit far from the princess thing... maybe a little chai maintenance at times but to a not-qualified-for-JAP-labeling level.

I'm blogging because things intrigue me... people intrigue me...religion intrigues me...family values intrigue me... medicine intrigues me and I also think bloggin' is a fun way to fight boredom, which happens even if I have no time whatsoever for it waking up at 5am to train Martial Arts, running to get ready for work, going to work, heading to yoga, running errands whenever they can be run, keeping my house in order, attempting to keep a social life and trying to find my life accomplice ... I'll post one day about being a Single White Female (have you watched the movie? I had a SWF experience a couple of yrs ago.... freaky!!!), the next day we might talk about Sex & the City and the next we might be talking about cholesterol or accutane... or who knows? Reggeaton could be a subject to talk about... I want your feedback, people, and the more opinionated the more welcome your comments will be.

Now to the real blogging thing.

I woke up with a serious issue in my head: when did wanting to get married and form a family become a sign of weakness? I read somewhere that in Germany 50% of households are SINGLE households. Yes. 50% of Germany's population is living in the saddest of solitude. WHY???? Why would anybody do this? I personally believe every person should live alone for a while, but only for a while, in order to appreciate the marvel of having a family to share your life with.

I was having some wine with my girls last night... (these are my closest friends, the women who know almost all about me, whom I can trust with most of my darkest deepest thoughts and/or mischiefs) and there I was finding myself keeping my comments to myself, because what I really wanted to say was...enough is enough of being single!!! I WANT A HUSBAND TO SHARE HAPPINESS AND SADNESS. I WANT SOMEONE TO HUG AND PAMPER. I WANT TO MAKE LITTLE PEOPLE AND FILL THE WORLD AROUND ME WITH SMILES. But I couldn't say it. I could not come to tell them that's what I wanted because I KNOW my friends. They'd think I'm weak. They'd think I'm not happy with myself and need a man to base my happiness on.

Now, if I couldn't say it to my sidekicks, imagine on a date! I haven't said any of this to he-who-rocks-my-world. The taboo of wanting to form a family scares the heck out of any person with XY chromosomes. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach said something like this once: (totally paraphrasing cause I can't find his exact words at the time) A woman asked him why her boyfriend wouldn't marry her. She said they live together and they already have a daughter but he doesn't buy a ring or pop the question. The rabbi said, if you went to a bank to get a loan, and they would give you the money you want without you having to sign papers or leave any guarantee, would you be dumb enough to ask to sign full-of-commitment-documents that would bind you for life? Or would you just take the money and enjoy it while it lasts?

So there it is, people, I want to know if I am insane for believing in the institution of marriage. For wanting children yelling at my ear and cleaning their yucky noses on my shirt. For believing my being single and economically independant doesn't make me stronger than a happily married soccer mom. I wanna be a soccer mom. Or a rebbetzin. Or a soccer rebbetzin, but a mom nevertheless. A wife, a lover, a life accomplice. I WANT A LIFE FILLED WITH LOVE!!! This is what I'm sayin'!!!!